Breakdown

I guess I finally broke down tonight and as I have been told, i probably needed it. (im still really upset and cant stop crying).

I have been with J all week with very little help from ryan. One of his employees is off this week so he is covering him so he is working an 8-6 shift as well as lots of problems so he has been working late. He also has a 1 1/2 - 2 hour commute, so you can tell he hasnt been around. I dont have a problem with his work or anything and i will never complain about what his hours are like because he supports the three of us. Anyway, thats off topic.

So Ryan has been scarce and all of my friends kids started school this week so i havent had much to do. I have been trying to get things done and whatnot. Jory has a slight cold and we are still batteling his naps/bedtime. I have been eating whatever is in the house lately and i got real bored of it today. So after my playdate I had with J today I tried to go to target with him and he was a nightmare so we left and we got chinese. I was happy to not hav eto eat a jelly sandwich for once. So tonight i decided that i wanted to get a good meal. Italian. So i wanted to try a new place that my neighbors have been telling me about but i dont hav ethe menu. So i decide to take J there with me to order, we would go to the store next door while we wait for it and pick it up and leave. Simple, right?

Well, I go in the pizza place and no one is there really so i take a menu and read it over instead of jumping into the first thing i saw. I finally decide and i wait at the counter and for 5 minutes (thats a long time) no one would help me or look at me. In the meantime, J is playing with the door. We all know what our kids are capable of and i knew he was just opening it and closing it. anyways, one guy asks if i am being helped and i say no and i turn to check on j for a sec before i order. The guy was like 'He cant do that, he is going to get hurt' I say, 'no he is fine' and i try to start to order. He is like 'he cant do that, its making the customers uncomfortable' well, i tried to hold my calm the conversation was not pleasant. I finally go over to pick him up and pull him away from the door. SCREAMING and kicking. For a brief second i was still trying to order. I look at the man with this kid in my arms that i can hardly hold and i knew that if i was to talk i would just burst out and cry. I just turned around and walked out as fast as i can.

Jory was screaming and i carried him all the way to the car and wrestled him into his seat. I banged the car next to me with my door and i just bolted. I just wanted a good meal for once. Something with a sauce and some real meat that wasnt frozen and that i didnt have to clean up after.

The whole way we were driving Jory kept saying 'stop crying mommy' over and over again. then he tried to get me to count the trees. 'count the trees for me mommy' (we do this when he is focusing on something or asks us what we are doing when we are in the car) it was really cute.

I decide to go to the pizza place i know around the block from me. I see a neighbor i know, but not too well. and i just hysterically cry and i cant control myself. I swear it took me 10 minutes just to stop crying. Again, i cant control my child and i had to go home with a slice of pizza sprinkled with salt and got knows what on it. I guess its another bowl of cereal for dinner for me.

I dont know what to do. There is so much that piled on me this week i cant think straight. First with the non-period/negative tests..thats making me crazy. I keep going to the bathroom to see if AF started, then my friend being an ass, i have another friend thats been brushing me off (the one that is pg and had problems)..there are so many little things that i cant see straight anymore.